So I recently watched Martin Scorsese’s Silence, and it made me realize that I’m more fit to be a filmmaker than a film critic because a movie as complex as Silence pushes me beyond my analytical limits. In other words, it leaves me silent. (However, this horribly misleading DVD cover that oddly persuaded me to watch this film whose much-debated ending made me resistant to watching it is still making me laugh my butt off.)
So, why do I spend more time critiquing Star Wars movies than I do making my own movies? Well, because serious artists use their artforms to say something about reality.
Frankly, I don’t know what to say about reality.
Growing up home schooled, I didn’t have sufficient chances to get social life experience in my childhood years. High school was a bit more interactive as I joined youth group and took a digital media class for a year at the local high school, but even then, I was using that class to make goofy comedy videos that, although the school posted them online, I’m not comfortable sharing here for personal reasons.
My own social anxiety permeated those years and beyond. While schooling at a community college for a couple of years guarded me from temptations of university life, and while I got good grades, there was only one student I came close to making friends with, and her own anxiety issues prevented her from cultivating a long-distance friendship after our class ended whereas I’m more comfortable with long-distance than short-distance; it’s as big an appeal of making friends on statewide retreats as shared faith.
Generally, anxiety takes away my interest in getting to know people and knowing how the real world works. Anxiety even sometimes makes me question whether or not I want to go to film school. The movies I currently make are goofy comedy videos because they don’t have to be realistic, and perhaps the lack of realism was a subconscious appeal in making those Transformers stop-motion cartoons. Heck, escapism is one of the biggest appeals of blogging, and as I limit gaming per day, I don’t know what else to do as a hobby.
Don’t get me wrong, I want movie characters to be believable. Heck, I want to be able to say something meaningful through film. If I make it to the film industry, I don’t want to make movies that are Catholic in a religious sense; I want to make movies that are catholic in a universal sense. By now, I’d probably be that type of filmmaker on my own if I was given a common path for someone my age.
It’s not always my fault that I’m stuck here. Whenever I’m put into a real-world situation that could help me grow, it pulls the rug out from under me, adding to my anxiety.
At the very least, I’m going to counselling, both individual and group. It’s one of the only hopes I have in gaining life experience during this indefinite school-less period between the community college and film school that not only I could use to say something meaningful through film but also is important for its own sake.
(Thumbnail source: “Crime-Solving Short Film” – Studio C)