Life Rambles: “Reasons for hiatus”

I just recently announced that I’m going on hiatus. …Well, that didn’t last long.

If you’ve been following this blog, you know that I like writing about movies and video games, that I make stop-motion animated Transformers cartoons, and that I want to work in the film industry. So, what do I want the name T. Martin to mean: a blogger or a filmmaker?

Since I want T. Martin to be my filmmaker name, and even though there’s still a certain amount of anonymity regarding my identity, I wish I’d been doing the blogging stuff completely anonymously (I wish I could have stuck with that for my stop-motion videos too, but I kinda needed to reveal my name when I got friends to do voicework) so that I wouldn’t have to feel split between my public personas. Yet, saying stuff like this makes me feel like I’m being pretentious, and I don’t really want T. Martin to mean a Catholic who complains about life and the arts.

Self-doubt comes with my anxiety issues; I don’t feel like I’m even eligible to review movies or video games, especially since I don’t even end up liking most of the video games I play. Video games have been my biggest regret over the past year, having wasted money on so many that didn’t turn out to be my cup of tea. And because I’ve been so disappointed with the medium, I don’t even want to recommend it to those who aren’t already interested in it; I would if every console exclusive ever, particularly Ocarina of Time and Shadow of the Colossus, were ported to PC, making them available to everyone, but that’s unlikely to ever happen (I don’t want to advocate downloading ROMs either).

And yet, I can’t stop playing and writing about what I play.

The thing that’s kept me interested in playing video games is the search for a top 5 favorite video games, like the top 10 lists Josh W. has (though of the two of those I’ve played, Zelda: Majora’s Mask and MGS3: Snake Eater, the former I’d recommend only to the most particular tastes and the other I wouldn’t recommend at all).

I have a top 5 favorite movies—(in descending order) Fellowship of the Ring, Star Wars (A New Hope), The Wizard of Oz, It’s a Wonderful Life, and The Prince of Egypt—which are films I don’t significantly desire to be better. So far, the only games I feel that way about are Ocarina of Time, Shadow of the Colossus, and Ico, and I’d leave Ico out of my top 5 for the sake of variety due to its similarity to Shadow.

With that, I want better from the rest of my current top 5 contenders. I want to find stuff that’s not only as great as but also as beautiful, not only in visuals but also in the stories they tell, as Zelda and anything Team Ico. My other contenders for my top 5—Portal 2, KOTOR I, and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time—fall too short of that.

The problem is that my top 2 have influenced my taste so much that I can’t get into open world games with no clear direction (i.e. the overlooked Outcast) nor JRPGs (i.e. the overlooked Threads of Fate). I want to discover this medium’s potential for beauty, but Zelda games and Team Ico games are the only substantial games that have reached that potential that I’ve played outside of great but disappointingly short indie games (i.e. Journey, Beyond Eyes). I’d like something, well, as substantial as my top 2.

Maybe my standards are too high. I mean, my other top 5 contenders are all fun, but I have significant issues with each of them. Ocarina and Shadow of the Colossus are games I have unbreakable admiration for even when I realize more flaws of theirs. Maybe I should instead think of a top 10 games list so that I could put all the Zelda and Team Ico I want on it. I could also always try to finish the Chrono games…

…What was the point of this post? Oh yeah, the reasons I want to go on hiatus.

Another problem is that I call this a Catholic blog, but I’m often afraid to bring God into it, kind of like my own life. So, I just don’t know what I want to be known for. I think leaving this blog for a while will help me discover who I want to be—or rather, who God wants me to be.

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